Thursday, December 30, 2004 •
is the world coming to an end? after the whole tsunami incident and all the deaths... hmm.. my fren popped this thought into my head... i really don't know man.. but i guess i dunno being a bit "cant-find-the-word", maybe sumdays i wish the world is coming to an end... why? then we humans wont be so troubled over things... yes of cos there are many things to look forward to but why make things so difficult and miserable? but when i mean end of the world... it must mean a total wipe out of human and animals and every living thing... there must be no survivor AT ALL... if not these survivors will bear the horrible repurcussions of the "disaster".. it's really sad.. i don't know.. this whole disaster didnt hit me instantly nor do i really really feel for them.. okay call me unfeeling but i do think it's really sad... i can't imagine what's happening over in those hit areas and i can't imagine what would happen if one day it happened to us over here..
anyway.. klutzy me sprained left ankle today.. after spraining a still now swollen right ankle a few weeks bad.. gosh.. i don't know what's happening to me..
and okay i want to apply for SEP (student exchange program) but closing date is 2nd jan and i am so not prepared i think i might not end up applying in the end.. but u see it'll be good exposure and i do want to get away from things over here in sg and in hall... it's really bad these days.. my relationship with people and him.. but i think running away will only make me more like a loner.. not tt i like to be one but i feel that my social skills has significantly dropped.. hehe.. sigh.. don't ask me why.. okok ask me why but i won't have an answer for you hahaha... why does he not want to talk to me anymore.. it may be my illusion but erm i really dislike the fact we're not talking on a regular basis.. i'm still not over him i guess.. i know these are insignificant stuff compared to like the death toll and my studies... but this is what affects me and is happening in my heart rite now.. sometimes i wonder what my priorities really are.. i dont think i have leh... haha i know impt things i must do and i will do but matters of the heart hit me emotionally worse.. other matters jus make me upset, sad or stressed for a while...
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 •
why do i feel that we're not friends anymore? not only the "special" friendship that doesnt exist.. the normal one too... :( is it just my feelings and my thoughts or is it for real... makes me upset to know that this is happening.. really.. why.. shouldnt have even been like this to begin with.. regrets? still no i guess..
Sunday, December 26, 2004 •
okaaaaay i checked! and i am super super relieved...
uh.. but i think my frens will be pissed off at me... this sem i think i really whined a lot cos i really was very very scared.. my midterms were horrible.. didnt look good at all.. and so were my exams.. didnt manage to finish my papers.. had mental block really couldnt write anything on the answer booklet except to repeat the questions.. and i never felt like i did any exam paper so badly b4.. erm yuh.. i really really wasnt lying when i said i think i might fail.. maybe my expectations of myself were high? nono.. can't be..
i hate it when ppl say they didnt study and they do well "unexpectedly".. i dislike it very much.. but i must clarify i am really not one of those people.. when i think i will do okay i will say okay... when i think i will do badly i really mean it.. when the results come out unexpected i jus feel very blessed and relieved... i don't wanna be classified a hypocrite..
anyway in the end i didnt fail any... and my wish came true.. no Cs.. worst was B-s.. i am damn relieved.. for 3 sems in a row my cap remained the same.. nothing to be happy abt cos it didnt improve but least it didnt drop... when will i really work towards my As!!! if i think i'm gonna do badly and it's okaay.. it should only mean i can do much better... next sem next sem!!!! not like i can pull up to do honours but yeah... higher cap is always better than lower ones.. and if it's bad.. i take consolation that if no honours we all grad with the same degree... and results aren't everything.. :)
Saturday, December 25, 2004 •
this is the moment... my exam results are out but i am sitting helpless at the computer.. erm waiting for sumthing to hit me.. what am i waiting for? the courage to face reality? waiting for sum ppl i am comfortable with to be ard so that i can talk to them abt it? i know my sis's coming back soon but how soon is soon?
i still rem last sem.. if not for him who clicked tt button for me... i think i would have been such a wuss too... sitting in front of the computer for minutes... and perhaps soon to become hours... hehe i feel like sms-ing him.. to tell him that.. to ask abt his results.. but i feel like talking to him but i dunno what's stopping me.. the fact that i might be disturbing him and that he may not want to talk abt it even though he's i guess a person who faces reality and moves on quickly.. his results prob did not matter to him because to him his exams didnt really start and i guess he's jus more relaxed when it comes to many things.. for fact that he knows it's over.. u cant do anything abt it.. and tt there's more to life than these... but hey i know tt too.. hahaha jus tt i can't bring myself to erm yuh.. keying in my matric number, and pin number then click login.. i think i shall wait for my sister to come home... sigh..
Thursday, December 23, 2004 •
actually i have been trying to post.. but for the past 2 to 3 times..
each time i click publish post, the next screen appears and say busy or warning or sumthing and when i go back, everything is gone. even in an attempt to save as draft first so that i do not lose my post, the same thing happens! oh well so if u do see this means this time my post was successful.
lorraine has still been busy with trainings and dance... but since xmas is here.. we're taking a break... my ankle's okay... still a little sore and weak i think.. wanna rest but yet i dunno why i ain't! dnd's okay.. progressing slowly but surely.. gotta push my members a bit more i think... and yepz.. i havent written any xmas cards yet.. but i'm planning to write them later today when my headache's over.. p/s: i think the headache's due to the long hours under the sun this morn with not enough water.. i can't even lie down cos i'll feel it's spinning.. maybe that's why i'm blogging.. but no worries. lorraine can take care of herself. :)
i am nevertheless reminded abt him... lychee's so right.. i think i think of him cos i have no other special sumone to think abt.. did i mention this b4? maybe my post didnt appear as mentioned earlier... i'm such a loser.. okay i didn't mean it.. but why can't i jus move on like everyone else does... why am i so freaking stubborn.. not tt i am still hurt or very upset but i just ain't acting normal i guess... i'm still like in a "i like him but he doesn't like me.. he doesn't care abt me" mode... i am as always (as mentioned i guess a million times...) trying to adopt the "if he doesnt bother why should i" mentality but it only works for short outbursts... there is no endurance... oooh notice my use of training terms... (e.g. speed endurance, burst out..) hehe.. why am i so hung up.. not as much as before already but still am.. i know it myself.. i dun talk abt it to anyone unless veryvery necessary or urgent.. but once i start talking.. i can't stop thinking.. issit better or worse for me: to not talk abt it.. am i still in denial? denial that we're together def no. denial that he still likes me in a special way. maybe.. denial tt the only reason he doesnt pop by is because he's too busy. maybe.. not tt i have loads of time for him either but.... yea..
anyway, guys, girls i mean... i'm so sorry that my posts are abt him mostly... kinda no life but i guess blogging is the only time which i "voice" out my thoughts... and in a way that i dun keep bugging/whining to people abt it...
xmas eve is tmr... i went to listen to the NUS jazz band yesterday at the open air little stage at the esplanade.. what do u call tt area? makes me feel a little more chrismassy... i like christmas songs... some makes me feels happy.. some makes me feel sad... i realised for the past few years.. during christmas, there's no romantically special someone by my side... new year's too.. what a sucky thought.. haha... okok lorraine shall not indulge in self-depise... thankfully i still have frens who want to meet up with me.. muahahaha... my xmas eve and new year eves frens.. i kinda see them almost only once a year cos they ain't in sch..
everybody... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! :) with loads of love, yours, lorraine
Thursday, December 16, 2004 •
mambo mambo mambo!
i love mambo!
i am freaking tired now.. jus came back and showered....
my legs are super achy and tmr i have training at 8am oh no how...
he's not online..
i hate it that we're strangers or least we seem to be...
he doesnt care abt me anymore he doesnt even come by to say hi..
or ask how's my leggie..
anyway my ankle okay but it's still swollen...
i know i should jus stop thinking abt him but i can't..
maybe the only way is to really not even bump into him...
i don't believe.. i always don't believe that it had to end...
Wednesday, December 15, 2004 •
it been a while since i actually gazed at the sky... and today while waiting for my fren to have supper, i took those few mins to stand and stare. how beautiful... not tt they were very bright and clear but they were shining... i saw the orion's belt! anyway the beautiful stars reminded me of the time when i went diving, and we were on the boat to the island. when the skies were dark and the stars came out, soooo beautiful... plus to have tt special someone by ur side... makes it more special...
after supper, i took a shower, and i checked out the stars again... they were disappearing... :( there were a few bright tiny specks, but generally, the clouds probably covered the rest... does everything end up covered by sum dark or not dark but jus clouds? oooh i remember this quote though: if you don't see the stars twinkle at night, it doesn't mean they are not there. they're just hidden behing the clouds and you'll surely see them shine again...
i'd love to see my stars shine again...
Tuesday, December 14, 2004 •
i kinda realised it's abt two weeks to xmas but where's that christmas feeling? no xmas songs... no excitement for me... why why.. issit because szeyen isnt in singapore? okaaay so happen i'm always with her on xmas eve. and so happen for the past 2 years.. i've been alone during christmas... okay not alone alone i have friends and family... just not that special sumone...
okaay erm i'll carry on another day... i gotta rest!! seeya!
Friday, December 10, 2004 •
this first week of the holidays have been alrite... all the trainings and dance.. my body is perhaps exhausted which is why i have become a klutz.. in the short span of 2 days, i have:
1. fell down which going down the bus, grazing my knee
2. accidentally kicked myself in the wall, bruising my little toe
3. sprained my right ankle while chasing after a hockey ball
hehehe... sounds funny rite.. can't imagine i can still laugh at it... anyway, i've been watching SATC the whole day because i missed training and dance due to the bad ankle. i kinda have a bit of SATC overdose cos i'm already at season 5!!!! and hey i jus started at season 1 earlier this semester!!! oh my... no wonder i am bored now...
my table's in a mess! since i dun use it for revision anymore.. it's really in a mess!! hahaha i know i should be cleaning up and all but erm.. lazzzy.. as always.. what's new...
loads of dnd stuff to take care of too... but sadly i kinda switch that aside.. and i'm more interested in jus training and dance... cos there are much less responsibilities there... only at times when people remind me that i am the dnd head that i keep going... how bad is that.. i'm so sure i have bad rep... but does it really bother me? maybe not u know... as long as i'm happy...
one of my friendly neighbour has gone to perth. she's one of the closest i'm with in hall so there is an empty space... my other neighbours are all busy busy too... and funny how we sleep earlier in the halls, wake up earlier too as compared to during sch term.. but we don't spend as much time jus hanging ard and talking during the hols. isn't that sad...
i know i've so much to do.. but my life is really crawling these days... when will i find more passion to achieve greater things... i must really get organized...
i'm doing fine with han.. we kinda got it all settled out... (that perhaps we are incompatible) but i miss him.. okay nono thinking abt it.. makes things worse sumtimes.. i know that i'll be fine soon... what's new.. we fall in love and out of love...
ooh i've yet to watch a movie in the cinemas since exams ended... can't believe it.. is bridget jones still on?!!? i soooo wanna catch tt... sigh... and i don't think i've done anything that i listed a few posts ago abt post exam activities. my plans always don't really come true... :(
alritey... shitloads of admin to do too.. can't rem the deadlines for all of them... i'll seeya ard!!
Thursday, December 02, 2004 •
okay exams are finally over and done. not going to comment much on them cos i think they were really bad. i jus hope for the best of the worst.
supposed to have gone clubbing yesterday. i mention supposed to because in the end, we didnt end up dancing at any club cos it was simply too crowded! could not enter zouk or chinablack. went to MS for drinks first though. erm yuh and it was bad.. we only had drinks.. and erm for the first time, lorraine got kinda drunk i think. not only high but yes drunk. why? i think cos we couldnt dance it off.. was back in hall by 1am plus. and erm i was puking.. and it felt really really horrible. i think i vaguely remember all that happened. i was screaming and hmm yuh... the funny thing is that i wanted to shit. and my frens were like oh no.. what to do.. does she really wanna shit. i bugged them to bring me to the toilet and they did.. and after a while.. i really did. haha they knew.. cos erm okay disgusting.. cos of the smell... it was a really bad night. i don't think there was much regret or what now, i just feel very bad and guilty and embarassed. to all my frens and han. esp him. i knew all my frens were very worried for me and so was him but sigh i don't want him to be. i don't want him to feel guilty.. i don't want him to be angry with me and i don't wanna chase him away. he means sumthing to me. anyway... i think it really doesnt matter anymore. i think even if he hates me it doesnt matter. i deserve it for giving him so much shit sumtimes. he doesnt deserve it. he has done his best. it is i who is stubborn. sigh...
anyway, yes i was crying. i was crying badly cos i guess it's all pent up stuff.. i dislike so much abt life. as much as there is so much to embrace, i guess i was just thinking of all the bad horrible stuff... p/s not only abt relationships. in fact i think i am more tired and disgusted with other parts of me. this small segment abt relationships is actually doing quite well in the sense that it doesnt matter anymore. i just want him to be happy and if to let him be happy means changing my attitudes towards him.. i guess i would. he doesnt owe me shit. and i don't either.. i am more tired and unhappy abt all the hall stuff and exams... all these have taken a toll on me... i feel old. jaded. where am i going to find the inner strength to carry on... i know i can't let go now. but how.. i so wish i can leave everything behind. should i move out of hall? not now i guess... i love my frens here and i love the convenience. even though i am tired i can't imagine not being a part of sumthing.
i miss my frens from everywhere... ppl i haven't kept up with during sch term... i miss being happy...
